Monday, January 08, 2007

I'll admit it: I have a lusty infatuation with my skinny, post-CR body.

I'll admit it: I have a lusty infatuation with my skinny, post-CR body. It goes around, hiding its sexy self inside an unflattering cloak of flab--I know it's in there, and I've repeatedly attempted to coax it to disrobe, but it's been holding out, teasing me from time to time with a glimpse of glutes, or a peak of pec, only to cover back up and walk away. So I decided to try a little CR, a carefully constructed campaign to win my body over.

Starting CR is an act of seduction. I have all kinds of things I want my body to do for me, but it gives the cold shoulder, and prances off coquettishly, tossing a come hither glance over its shoulder that says, "nice try, but I don't think so..."

I romanced my body with ardor for six long days, only to be rewarded with one tiny pound of weight loss--just a stitch in a sturdily constructed garment.

I thought, "if it took six days to lose one pound, there's no way I'm going to meet my target of two pounds per week. There's no way I'm going to get this body naked in six months." I'd been allowed a little heavy petting, then it pulled back--it wasn't ready. CR frustration threatened to cloud my judgment. My body was mocking me, dangling that one solitary pound in front of me. What a tease!

Well apparently some bodies like it in the morning. On day eight, I was greeted by more than the sunrise when I awoke. My body must have REALLY been in the mood this morning, because the scale revealed a 4lb weight loss--a three pound difference from yesterday! Whew! I finally got some!

I can hear you now:

"SLOW DOWN!" you caution. "You have some power in this relationship too--but you're moving too fast."

But things seem suddenly to be going great, I enthuse! And they do! I got four pounds this morning, and it was HOT!

"Don't let it go to your head," you reply. "It's all part of the tease, how your body gets its hooks into you. Now that you know what you were missing all this time, how good it was, your body can withhold all it wants. You'll do what it wants to get more. You are owned now."

I sigh. This isn't exactly what I wanted to hear. I thought my problems were over, and that me and my body were finally locked in a steamy, passionate CR affair.

"Yeah, you're desperate--we all are. So what? You don't have to let your body know that. That's not a turn on. You need to send the message, loud and clear: 'Weight loss? Meh. I could take it or leave it...' Now that's a turn on. Yes, your body has something you want, and it's teased you and excited you. But you have power too--you have things your body wants. You can use the power of tease, as well."

Like what? How can I turn this fling into a torrid, passionate affair that will last?

"If you want to enjoy this relationship for a long, long time, take a tip from the experts: you need to engage in a little foreplay if you want to get things moving on a regular basis."

Foreplay? You mean, like cooing into its ear, maybe running it a hot bath with rose petals and shampooing its hair lovi....

"Shhhh! Less willful talking, more willing listening." you chide. "Here are some tips: try seduction with almonds, and egg whites. Never underestimate the subtle power in the judicious use of kale, and tenderly--but firmly--apply a little zinc. A soft powdering with brewers yeast might be the cool touch that really heats things up...but watch the saturated fat--instant turnoff! Look at us--don't the results speak for themselves?" you ask boastfully. I bow to you. I am your pupil.

"And don't expect to get 4lbs every week," you scold. "That's just greedy, and no one likes a selfish CRer. Now get going!" you command with a light swat on my behind as you show me the door.

Duly chastened, I scoot sheepishly out into the big happy sunny world outside. 'Is the sky just a little bit bluer today?' I wonder, as I set off on my quest to gather the tools of seduction.


Hazel said...

Great post. I love your blog- I hope you keep posting.

Calyb said...

Love your post...Love it! I am a bit jealous of how you post your numbers, but I am not about to start learning that technique too. My brain is on OVERLOAD at the moment!! Keep posting and please check my blog as well. Hey wanna link?

Anonymous said...

Well Chris, if you're that actively bycicling around the city everyday, the fat around your body must not be all flab.

Chicago Cyclist said...

No, I am not the "flabby floppy" sort of overweight. I'm generally pretty firm, all over. But I may actually have a riskier kind of body fat distribution, where it's all over my body, and probably all over the INSIDE of my body too, as in visceral fat. Of course, I can't really know for sure, but it seems likely that I am "well marbled," if you know what I mean.